As we move closer to the special primary election for CD1, voters are wondering if they accidentally signed up for a reality TV show as twelve Democratic hopefuls elbow each other for attention on the campaign trail. With the same rehearsed lines and rhetoric relentlessly hitting Rhode Islander’s mailboxes, phones, and inboxes, it has become the political equivalent of a karaoke night where every song is ‘Baby Shark’.

“Usually, you have a front-runner, a dark horse, and maybe one or two wild cards,” said political analyst Ned Tesi. “But this? This is like trying to pick your favorite grain of sand on the beach.”

Leading the pack is former White House staffer Gabe Amo, who insiders note is differentiating himself by using a slightly darker shade of blue on his campaign posters. Stephanie Beauté, fresh from her 2022 Secretary of State run, has been handing out identical pamphlets as her previous campaign, just with “Congress” hastily scribbled over “Secretary of State.” Walter Berbrick, the former Naval War College professor, has been trying to stand out by giving lectures on island chain strategy, only to be repeatedly reminded that Rhode Island is not an island, and not under attack.

State Sen. Ana Quezada is leaning on her experience in the State House with the slogan “Remember that thing the state Senate did? I was there.” Meanwhile, Don Carlson’s plan to convert political hot air into energy seemed promising, until he realized most of that hot air was coming from his speeches.

State Rep. Stephen Casey has been mostly silent, occasionally whispering, “I’m different, trust me.” Spencer Dickinson, the former state representative whose name is preprinted on all ballots for all state offices, is just happy to be here [again].

Providence City Councilman John Goncalves’s campaign slogan, “At least I’m not from Middletown,” has been gaining traction, especially among those who can’t find Middletown on a map. Lt. Gov. Sabina Matos, in a groundbreaking move, has been using the exact same campaign materials as everyone else but printed in portrait orientation. State Sen. Sandra Cano is aiming big with her new slogan, “Others might offer you political pie in the sky, but I’ve got the whole bakery!” Former State Rep. Aaron Regunberg’s run has been helped by big spending thanks to a Super PAC mysteriously named ‘Daddy’s Little Helper.’

And finally, Allen Waters, the perennial candidate who believes COVID-19 originated as a computer virus, has been seen trying to remember if he’s a Democrat, a Republican, or a Kennedy.

While many of the candidates are well-known by the public, others are so obscure that their names have never appeared in print until this article. The candidates’ campaign ads have only added to the confusion. Each 30-second spot features the candidate, the same stock video of a sunrise in Iceland, a Norwegian family playing in a park, and a voiceover promising “real change” – though no one has indicated what that change might be.

Recent polls show a 12-way tie, with each candidate garnering exactly 8.33% of the vote. “It’s statistically improbable,” said pollster Dana McMondo. “But then again, so is having 12 candidates in a single primary.”

Conspiracy theories have begun to circulate. Some believe this is an elaborate social experiment, while others are convinced it’s a plot by the Republican party to confuse voters. One theory even suggests that all 12 candidates are, in fact, the same person using advanced holographic technology.

In a bid to help overwhelmed voters, state election officials have introduced a new ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’ option on the ballot, which will randomly choose a candidate for them. Officials expect it to be the most selected option. As the primary looms, will a frontrunner emerge, or will Rhode Islanders shrug and let fate decide? Only time will tell.